So I found these:
http://www.jago24.de/en/sport-leisure/fitness/spwd01-wall-bar.html
(amazon link: http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/B00EU30V9S/ref=ox_sc_act_title_1?ie=UTF8&psc=1&smid=A2767C1NIY95I6)
stall bars.
Considering that most stall bars will run you $200+ I find it hard to believe that these will work for me but I can't for the life of me see anything off about them. Except that they have no reviews.
They are made out of pine which, while not being the absolute best type of wood for the job, is certainly enough. They say that the max allowable weight is approx 100kg which is fine as I'm ~70 kg.
So can anyone spot the catch?