If you want to get good, you have no choices

[Cole Dano]

http://footballscoop.com/news/saban-young-people-have-the-illusion-of-choices-but-if-you-want-to-be-good-you-have-no-choices/

[Colin Macdonald]

I agree with the main message. Though I think people have been complaining about 'kids these days' ever since there have been kids. 

[Coach Sommer]

Much worse now than in recent decades.  

This is indeed the age of 'the helicopter parent' where many parents are overly protective and simultaneously overly permissive; habits that result in spoiled children with no work ethic and an unearned sense of entitlement.  

 

Self esteem is not a universal condition; it is earned.  And being responsible is best taught by placing children in positions of trust and then holding them accountable for their actions.

 

Yours in Fitness,

Coach Sommer

[Rajesh Bhat]

Much worse now than in recent decades.  

This is indeed the age of 'the helicopter parent' where many parents are overly protective and simultaneously overly permissive; habits that result in spoiled children with no work ethic and an unearned sense of entitlement.  

 

Self esteem is not a universal condition; it is earned.  And being responsible is best taught by placing children in positions of trust and then holding them accountable for their actions.

 

Yours in Fitness,

Coach Sommer

This is EXACTLY what my son feels. So do i. Exactly. It's so true.

[Colin Macdonald]

I don't think there's any evidence that it's worse now than it has been. Generations always complain about the one that comes after it.

 

 

The counts of the indictment are luxury, bad manners, contempt for authority, disrespect to elders, and a love for chatter in place of exercise. …

 

Children began to be the tyrants, not the slaves, of their households. They no longer rose from their seats when an elder entered the room; they contradicted their parents, chattered before company, gobbled up the dainties at table, and committed various offences against Hellenic tastes, such as crossing their legs. They tyrannised over the paidagogoi and schoolmasters.

 

That quote is from 1907, and is in fact a scholar summarizing historical complaints about children from far before his time.

 

Two hundred years ago they were complaining about the lewdness of dancing the waltz, and chess was thought to be an idle game for the undisciplined. Now we hear identical complaints about video games and hip hop.

 

http://books.google.it/books?id=XAzP__xv7CkC&pg=PA32&lpg=PA32&dq=Times+of+London,+1816+waltz&source=bl&ots=1IWbJiqSWM&sig=1ZrmZtMZ1P7D9qCscvn6VLJCag8&hl=en&sa=X&ei=t92yUKv4OajB0AGa84HADA&redir_esc=y#v=onepage&q=Times%20of%20London%2C%201816%20waltz&f=false

 

http://www.geek.com/games/chess-was-once-treated-as-the-violent-video-game-of-the-1800s-1594725/

 

My personal bias is inclined to think that materialism is a bane on modern society. And yet philosophers have been talking about that problem for thousands of years.

 

Qualities of discipline is often conflated with a certain harshness, which is completely unnecessary. There are certainly qualities to instill in people. The marshmallow test is a favourite of mine. 

 

But the suggestions these days that an excess of love and attention is bad for our children is truly a tragic conclusion. Qualities of resilience and restraint can all be learned in an environment of abundant love and attention.

 

http://www.artofmanliness.com/2014/09/02/love-is-all-you-need-insights-from-the-longest-longitudinal-study-on-men-ever-conducted/

 

The Beatles got it right (those hellions of their time) love is all you need.

 

Is there a problem these days? Perhaps, but is it worse now than before? Absolutely not.

[Joakim Andersson]

Much worse now than in recent decades.  

This is indeed the age of 'the helicopter parent' where many parents are overly protective and simultaneously overly permissive; habits that result in spoiled children with no work ethic and an unearned sense of entitlement.  

 

Self esteem is not a universal condition; it is earned.  And being responsible is best taught by placing children in positions of trust and then holding them accountable for their actions.

 

Yours in Fitness,

Coach Sommer

 

Great post!

[Connor Davies]

"The children now love luxury; they have bad manners, contempt for authority; they show disrespect for elders and love chatter in place of exercise. Children are now tyrants, not the servants of their households. They no longer rise when elders enter the room. They contradict their parents, chatter before company, gobble up dainties at the table, cross their legs, and tyrannize their teachers."

- Socrates

[Coach Sommer]

... I don't think there's any evidence that it's worse now than it has been ...

 

Unfortunately there is plenty of evidence.  

 

One of my good friends recently retired after being a long time University instructor.  In the last ten years, for the first time ever, the admissions office began receiving calls from parents wanting to see how their child was doing, wanting to complain about grades or set up meetings with teachers.

The University was completely non-plussed.  In all their years of operation, they had never before encountered parents of legal adults behaving this way.

 

Yours in Fitness,

Coach Sommer

[Colin Macdonald]

"The children now love luxury; they have bad manners, contempt for authority; they show disrespect for elders and love chatter in place of exercise. Children are now tyrants, not the servants of their households. They no longer rise when elders enter the room. They contradict their parents, chatter before company, gobble up dainties at the table, cross their legs, and tyrannize their teachers."

- Socrates

That's the same quote I just posted. But it's not actually from Socrates.

 

 

Unfortunately there is plenty of evidence.  

 

 

Statistically, this doesn't seem to pan out. My Grandfather, who was a professor of chemistry, has made similar observations. But when you're primed towards a certain idea by a tidal wave of flawed media reports, you'll see more ideas as more prominent than they really are. My grandfather also insists that we should go back to a classical education system... I don't think kids should be studying Latin, personally.

 

 

Michigan State University researchers found that 77 percent of the 725 employers they surveyed “hardly ever witnessed a parent while hiring a college senior.” As for grown children outside of college and the workplace, the only study on the topic I could find, published in 2012, reported that just one in five or six parents seemed to be intensely involved in their children’s lives.

 

Only 23% of parents were even seen, let alone 'helicoptering'.

 

As I laid out in my previous post, contact with children isn't the problem. The kind of contact with a child that involves giving them what they need and helping them learn create genuine relationships is fundamental for long term satisfaction and self-confidence.

 

Overly controlling parents who are obsessed with making their children the 'best' transfer this anxiety who then become very unstable adults. Self confidence based on external success that disappears in it's absence is a very fragile thing.

 

 

First, maturity isn’t the same as self-sufficiency. Most developmental psychologists have concluded that the quality of relationships, including those with one’s parents, continues to matter even past childhood. Good parenting is less about pushing one’s offspring to be independent at a certain age than being responsive to what a particular child needs.

 

 

 

Second, independence is closely connected to an individualistic worldview that is far from universal. Some cultures are more likely to emphasize the value of interdependence.   And the cultural bias that seems to fuel condemnations of HP has a very real impact on students’ well-being. A fascinating series of studies published in 2012 by a multi-university research team revealed that “predominantly middle-class cultural norms of independence” are particularly ill-suited for young adults who are the first in their families to attend college.

 

 

These quotes are from just one article (http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/answer-sheet/wp/2014/09/04/no-helicopter-parents-arent-ruining-kids-after-all/) but similar statements can be found elsewhere, including the article I linked to previously "Love Is All You Need: Insights from the Longest Longitudinal Study on Men Ever Conducted".

[Connor Davies]

That's the same quote I just posted. But it's not actually from Socrates.

"Don't believe every quote you read on the Internet" - Ben Franklin

[Colin Macdonald]

A few more interesting reads: 

 

 

Helicopter parenting, at least for grown children, seems to have its benefits. Parents who are involved and supportive across a wide range of areas produce young adult children who have a clearer sense of self and are more satisfied with their lives. However, parents who felt that their children need too much support were themselves lower in life satisfaction.

So, good for the kids but stressful for the parents, at least according to this study. (https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201302/the-myth-the-helicopter-parent)

 

This one is also interesting in that it takes a less simplistic view:

 

 

 

The problem is that if you are anxiously trying to make your child into a successful adult, you are most likely communicating anxiety—and not success—to them. 

 As usual, the popular media tries to condense a very complex idea into a sound bite. Just because you're not hounding your children, doesn't mean you still can't mess them up!  (http://www.slate.com/articles/double_x/roiphe/2012/07/madeline_levine_s_teach_your_children_well_we_are_all_helicopter_parents.html)

 

Same problems, anxious parents, controlling parents, absentee parents. Just with new names in a new media culture, "plus ça change" and all that.

[Coach Sommer]

There are no benefits from helicopter parenting.  I am not in the slightest interested in what some ivory tower academic, who has no practical experience, feels about the subject.  

 

I have personally worked with thousands of students over the years, often for multiple years at a time.  And those parents who were the most permissive, the most clinging, the most protective consistently produced children with exceptionally poor work ethics and an inability to handle stress, adversity or to behave as effective adults in an independent manner.

 

Yours in Fitness,

Coach Sommer

[Krishnan Ramesh]

Coach, my wife is a school teacher. When I sent her the link to this thread, and after seeing your responses, she immediately responded saying "this coach needs to be our principle!" Unfortunately, it's not only the parents themselves that are the problem, but an educational system that allows and fails to discourage such behavior.

Somewhat unrelated, but you and my wife are similar in that you both have, at times, been labeled as having too high of expectations, too strict, etc, but you're two of the few that can actually produce real results (and not a false feeling of success) in students that take you seriously. Keep it up. Sad to say, but these days, it's refreshing.

[Colin Macdonald]

 

I have personally worked with thousands of students over the years, often for multiple years at a time.  And those parents who were the most permissive, the most clinging, the most protective consistently produced children with exceptionally poor work ethics and an inability to handle stress, adversity or to behave as effective adults in an independent manner.

 

Absolutely, I agree completely. My primary contention from the beginning has been that it's not a modern occurrence. Apparently the term 'helicopter parent' first appeared 46 years ago.

 

The parents you meet are undoubtedly the same ones I see at the park with my daughter. You can see the terror in their eyes when my daughter does 'dangerous things' or worse yet if their children try to copy my daughter. But this occurs both with parents of my generation, and grandparents from a previous generation.

 

I also feel it's important to be careful with pop-culture terms to described complex issues, I feel that the root problem is most likely excessive parental anxiety over the future success of their child. I feel that a term like 'helicopter parents' carries the implication that an excess of proximity is inherently problematic, which I feel to be a very limited perspective.

 

It seems though we've touched upon the one topic more controversial than nutrition. The only way to offend someone faster than telling them what they should eat, is telling them how to raise their kids.